Friday
Mea went on at the crack of 2 in the afternoon. As if anyone was going to see them/him/it that hour.
Abe Vigoda had rhymes like Mike D.
LA Riots actually had nothing to do with Louisiana, which is a good thing because a big fight almost broke out.
Wallpaper. were female and all having their time of the month. Then they discovered it was completely unnecessary.
The Sheepdogs were actual sheepdogs. And by “sheepdogs” I mean mangey hippies that got lucky and won a Rolling Stone contest.
Hello Seahorse! said good-bye to anyone seeing them. Then it turned out they were just dried shrimp.
Honeyhoney were twice as sweet. And veryclosetogether.
The Dear Hunter was the side-project of the guy from Atlas Sound. But not Deerhunter. Yeah, it was confusing.
Turns out Ximena Serinana was a virus. It made the organizers want to have the festival a second weekend.
Kendrick Lamar’s real name is Shazam Starslayer. Yeah, I didn’t get it either.
European Medicines Agency, Environmental Media Association, Emergency Medical Associates, Exponential Moving Average, and Enterprise Management Associates planned to have their meetings that day but EMA turned out to be a chick singer.
Wolf Gang were mauled and eaten by a real wolf gang. Because they have those out there.
R3hab play3d and irritat3d 3v3ryon3 with th3ir nam3.
Other Lives played and, indeed, Other was alive and living.
GIVERS gave away all the lower-case letters.
Instead of Atari Teenage Riot, everyone wanted to see Colecovision Adolescence Fight Fight Fight.
WU LYF were the first license plate to perform at the festival.
59,997 people contracted syphilis during Grouplove’s performance.
Feed Me had the backstage buffet earlier in the day so they canceled their performance.
Breakbot disappeared in an explosion of irony.
Death Grips couldn’t really get a handle on the whole thing.
The Black Angels prefer African-American Angels but that abbreviation would make people think they’re a tow-truck.
Dawes upgraded to Windows and was a lot easier to use.
Neon Indian had to play during the day so they were Regular Indian.
Yuck made everyone sick.
Datsik actually didn’t make anyone sick.
SebastiAn plAyed And irritAted everyone with their nAme.
Everyone thought James was James Alesso and that there had been an error on the line-up but there isn’t a James Alesso. Then everyone got there and said “Oh, my mom really likes this song” and everyone fell in love. Meanwhile, no more or fewer people fell in love during Alesso’s set.
The Horrors were way too scary.
M. Ward played some m. with some m. and it was m.
Madeon had nothing to do with Tyler Perry. All the white people had no idea what that meant or why it was so popular anyway.
GIRLS HAD NO GIRLS IN THE BAND.
Jimmy Cliff & Tim Armstrong had to perform Cat Power songs. Since she wasn’t going to.
The Rapture had disappeared on May 21 of last year but they had been booked really early and someone forgot to change it.
Madness pulled out all their hair and smeared poop on the walls. In the middle of their street.
Amon Tobin performed under his fake-name, Bootin’ Man. It didn’t fool anyone but just as many no one showed up.
M83 turned out to be a secret code meaning “Drink more beer.”
Explosions in the Sky exploded on the stage.
Afrojack got his hair stolen.
Mazzy Star faded into one lucky contest-winner.
Arctic Monkeys melted. It was the desert.
Refused weren’t allowed in.
Pulp made the comeback of the year. They were embraced by America like never before and their performance was hailed not only as a landmark in Coachella history and U.S./England relations but also as a touchstone in music history. It inspired them so much that they stayed together as a band and made three more boring albums.
Swedish House Mafia were arrested for tax evasion.
The Black Keys proved why they got to headline a night of the festival: Because of their awesome name. But they still had trouble getting into the house when it was dark out.
Saturday
Everyone thought that the speakers were messed up during Pure Filth Sound. Nope, that’s how they’re supposed to be.
Tijuana Panthers were the second-worst football team out there that day.*
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang were not a criminally overlooked movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer, directed by Shane Black, writer of Lethal Weapon and director of the upcoming Iron Man 3. It was hard to imagine that a band that low on the bill could be better than that movie.
Keep Shelly in Athens couldn’t make it because they couldn’t get out of Georgia.
Suedehead were not a Morrissey tribute band. Everyone cried anyway.
Mt Eden wanted back the punctuation that Wallpaper. stole. Period.
We Are Augustines were actually Septemberines, Octoberians, and Juliasts. But no Decemberists, since they weren’t playing this year.
Dragonette come from a faraway, mystical land, sweeping across the plains on long, leathery wings, ravaging its enemies with great breaths of searing fire, tearing apart those who get in its way with monstrous claws and a ferocity not seen since before the dawn of humans, raising its majestic head above the sand and sea to let forth a deafening cry for vengeance heard through the valleys and across the hills. And performing early in the day, over by the beer-tent.
Borgore were really dull but there was a lot of blood.
Everyone was disappointed that it was Gary Clark Jr. and not Gary Clark Sr.
We Were Promised Jetpacks were still complaining about it. As if they’re G.I.Joe.
Jacques Lu Cont translated to “Drink more beer, you unappealing person that may or may not be part of a female’s anatomy, said derogatorily.”
Zeds Dead tried to steal a punchline from the next day’s line-up.
The Vaccines needed inoculations. Too bad they weren’t around for Grouplove’s set.
Childish Gambino was too young to get in.
The Big Pink weren’t all that big and not at all pink.
Black Lips prefer Black Lips, actually.
Snoop fans that got there early were hoping that Grace Potter and the Nocturnals was a clever name for a pot-friendly band but were let down. Instead, they had to cop their weed from, like, anyone.
tUnE-yArDs hAd ThE mOsT aNnOyInG cApItAlIzAtIoN aNd ThAt ShOuLd Be SaYiNg SoMeThInG.
Laura Marling had to tell the Earthlings that she was not a person from the fourth planet from the sun.
The Head and the Heart were confused about which was which.
Destructo and Destroyer were scheduled to play on the same stage at the same time and they all came on stage and looked at each other and scratched their heads and looked at each other again.
Kaiser Chiefs predicted a riot. There was not one. Especially not one of the acts from the day before.
Buzzcocks were not chickens that were getting a lot of positive advance word. Instead, old dudes. Also, not penises.
A$AP Rocky forgot to tell them he was going to be there. Irony.
Squeeze were tempted by someone else’s bananas and apples.
Everyone preferred to withdraw money from Azealia Banks than BofA and Wells Fargo.
AWOLNATION were, predictably, missing. The entire country.
As it happened, Kasabian had only one club foot. Or “Club Foot.” Not many commercial prospects beyond that.
Manchester Orchestra weren’t from England and didn’t sound anything like New Order so interest quickly dissipated.
Flying Lotus just gave up and played Radiohead records since everyone was there for the “surprise” appearance by Thom Yorke.
SBTRKT plyd nd rrttd vryn wth thr nm.
Sub Focus were very hard to see.
Martin Solvieg dissolved solutegs.
St. Vincent appeared on the covers of another 27 nationally-distributed magazines and still no one knew who she was.
Godspeed You! Black Emperor played and irritated! everyone with! their! name.
fIREHOUSE are old-school and their name totally didn’t irritate anyone.
Feist followed-up “1 2 3 4” by counting off the rest of all the numbers. Not as catchy.
Andrew Bird looped himself into oblivion and that spinning thing he has on stage.
Sebastian Ingrosso was actually a singing crab, under the sea, under the sea.
Jeff Mangum spent his set yelling “IT’S MANGUM, NOT MAGNUM, YOU FUCKS. MANGUM, NOT MAGNUM.” Then went back into hiding.
Miike Snow played and iirriitated everyone wiith theiir name. Also, masks and a fog-machiine.
Kaskade totally washed all the dishes and they were effing spotless.
Noel Gallagher got in a fight with his cousin’s cousin’s step-mom’s niece's half-brother and quit his own solo project. Then went over to sing “The Setting Sun” with the Chemical Brothers who, like every Saturday night, were playing at Cactus Jack’s.
No one bothered to see David Guetta since he didn’t have a name that was punctuated incorrectly or spelled wrong. So uncool.
The Shins were playing soccer and were kicked repeatedly.
Bon Iver came out on stage and instantly everyone fell asleep.
Anticipation for Radiohead was high, despite the fact that they were expected to play the same set they’d played on their tour so far. But they changed it up: Thom said “We’re going to play all of Pablo Honey.” Only one concert-goer’s head exploded. Then Thom proceeded to twitch and spasm like he was having a seizure for three hours, leaving the rest of the band to stand around scratching their heads and for Jonny to put wires into some upright contraption. Rolling Stone, Spin, and Pitchfork hailed the band’s performance as “ground-breaking,” “breathtaking,” and “the band’s best work since The Bends.”
Sunday
Everyone dozed off during Sleeper Agent.
The Airplane Boys couldn’t make it because the Palm Springs airport was too expensive to fly into.
Gardens & Villa were a VIP area.
Spector killed a hooker in Hollywood with a Wall of Sound but had remarkable hair.
All of Fanfarlo’s admirers were on vacation.
Housse de Racket were told to keep it down.
Wild Beasts were let loose on the audience and mayhem ensued. But it was early in the day and the crowd hadn’t all showed yet so there wasn’t a lot of mayhem.
Metronomy sounded like a college course. Thinking is hard when it’s hot.
Thundercat kept yelling “HO!” after every verse and chorus and all the people over 30 stayed away because they’d already seen that show.
Lissie did an entire Kid Cudi album but we still couldn’t watch it because of the buffering problem.
Oberhofer translated to “Drink more beer, you sober fuck.”
First Aid Kit treated a number of concert-goers for scrapes and bruises but couldn’t do anything about all those syphilis cases.
The Gaslamp Killer only murders people in downtown San Diego so it’s a good thing it wasn’t in downtown San Diego.
Morgan Page was quickly forgotten due to a boring, punchline-challenging name. In the process of changing his/her/its name to !@#$%^&*().
Band of Skulls had the same number as other groups with the same amount of members. Unremarkable.
NOISIA IS VISION UPSIDE DOWN. GET IT?
The Growlers might have been Wild Beasts.
Greg Ginn and the Royal We makes a man mean. Also performed with Joe Vodkaa, Frank Scotchh, Dave “The Tank” Whiskeyy, Emilio Tequilaa, and Sally Southern Comfortt.
Le Butcherettes killed everyone. Frenchly.
Zedd was dead, baby. Zedd was dead.
The most important thing about Real Estate was location, location, location.
Company Flow were best viewed on a chart.
araabMUZIK was a serious typo.
Fitz and the Tantrums had to have a time-out.
Beats Antique tried their best but during the second song were broken and their value plummeted.
Sean Kuti had to go through 79 Egypts before he got to Egypt 80.
Gotye walked straight out of New York City and onto the stage in Indio. Why choose between Saturday Night Live and Coachella?
Flux Pavilion was nice to relax under but Doctor P was a terrible gardener.
Santigold had to change a letter in her name again and instantly lost all her Jewish fans.
Porter Robinson was from North Carolina. All the club kids loved him because they thought that was an exotic country.
Dada Life fought their long-time nemesis, Budda Death, and lost due to a less-interesting name.
Modeselektor had to fight Versionhe-man for rule of Formeternia.
Wild Flag ruled. Somewhere in Portland, a female guitarist cursed herself for breaking up a band and listened to her boring solo album... again.
Nero was the best DVD-burning tool out there (since Roxio was busy that weekend).
DJ Shadow played during the day and disappeared.
The Hives, once again, could not perform because they had a bad allergic reaction.
I totally told Calvin Harris that he and I could be related. Then he had me ejected from his dressing tent.
Girl Talk got up on stage and got distracted by a game of Freecell.It would have been dumb for The Weeknd to play on Friday.
Beirut had more people show up to see him perform than there are people alive in Lebanon.
AVICII went on at XIIV o’clock. Everyone was confused.
Florence + the Machine was so amazing that 137 people were treated for exploded heads. And no one noticed the Machine, whatever that is.
Justice kept messing up because they couldn’t see anything.
Everyone thought it was weird that At The Drive-In had only 50 minutes since no movies are that long. But everyone brought popcorn and made out in the backseat anyway.
Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg came on stage and shouted “You all see Radiohead last night? Fuck them [popular racial slur that would not apply to pasty British dudes; plural].” Then proceeded to perform the entirety of The Bends, OK Computer, and Kid A, along with Pablo Honey B-sides. The cloud that appeared over the stage and crowd became its own atmosphere and rained. By the end of the show all of the food carts were cleared out of food, especially those with Doritos. The performance was dedicated to the [popular racial slur that did not apply to 99.99999% of the audience; plural] that was down from weekend one.
It was awesome!
